The truth about adoption: It is time for outdated views to go

Cross Posted at Live Action News.org

Wasills

Jacob Wasill was nine when he shared his adoption story with his class. He was stunned and hurt when the response of one of his classmates was…”Hmmm, so your real mom didn’t want you?” When Jacob’s parents, Billy and Joi Wasill mentioned to friends that Jacob was adopted (an event not a lifestyle), the friends thought Jacob was lucky, Billy and Joi were wonderful, but had disparaging remarks about his birth mother.  When Joi’s best friend’s teenage daughter got pregnant and knew that marriage and parenting were not possible ; she made an adoption plan for her preborn child. She wanted an open adoption and selected a couple that lived in the area. As the pregnancy progressed, she backed out of that decision. She said that every day at school she met with nothing but disparaging comments from her classmates and even some teachers about her decision to make an adoption plan. ’Don’t you love your baby? No one will ever love the baby like you do. Your baby will grow up to hate you for giving it up for adoption were typical comments she endured each day.  She was made to feel like she was a bad person. These events propelled Joi to do something to correct these outdated stereotypes of adoption and show adoption as the  loving and life affirming option that it is.

An educator by training, Joi knew that the community and especially the schools needed to be educated about the beauty of adoption. Adoption today is not like the inaccurate TV movies filled with drama.  Adoptions today can be confidential, semi open or open with the birth mother making that decision. Outdated and negative adoption language needs to be replaced with positive adoption language. The birth mother is not “giving up,” she is making an adoption plan.  Contrary to the negative image, birth mothers making an adoption plan are brave, courageous and practicing sacrificial love.   Research tells us that less than 1 % of unplanned pregnancies end in adoption. This has tragic consequences for the child and our country.

Her original presentation was known as The Adoption Option and presented to one high school in her hometown of Hendersonville TN in 2002.  This was followed by other requests and soon turned into copy written curriculum known as Decisions, Choices and Options.  Today this nonprofit currently educates approximately 12,000 students every year in middle Tennessee. The engaging, fact based and impeccably sourced material is accepted in public and private schools. Pregnancy Resource Centers are partnering with Decisions, Choices and Options in Tennessee, Alabama, Florida, Missouri, Mississippi, Kentucky, North Carolina, Ohio, Michigan, South Carolina and Texas to present this prevention education program.

Studies have shown that when presented the facts of adoption and what it looks like today, teens are more likely to choose adoption in an unplanned pregnancy so their child can have life and an abundant life as a member of a family headed by a married mother and father.

 Joi Wasill can be contacted at bwasill@bellsouth.net

DCO presentation

Does Marriage Matter to Children

After reading Dr. Land's article "Adoption: The Best Option," I was reminded of a recent television show produced by the Oprah Winfrey network titled "Fatherless Sons" Lifeclass. On that show, about 150 men were part of the television audience, ranging in ages from 12 to over 70 years old. Oprah and Iyanla Vanzant held a very frank discussion of the impact fatherlessness has on our nation and our children. When asked by Oprah to define what a father is, Iyanla said "Protector, provider, to be a model, a demonstration of what it means to be a man." Oprah then stated that fatherlessness in our nation is "an epidemic." According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 41% of all babies born in the U.S. are to unmarried women. In some communities, it is almost double that amount.

One of the many professionals participating in the program, Roland Warren, the former president of The National Fatherhood Initiative, stated that "kids have a hole in their soul in the shape of their dad" and that there are "consequences to father-absence." From the 12-year-old boy to the 70+ year old man, heartbreaking stories were shared about the deep hurt, rejection, and aching that exists within these men for a Daddy. Statistics and data were shared on the outcomes for men who are raised in fatherless homes: twice as likely to go to jail, less likely to graduate college, earn less money, more likely to father a child out of wedlock, and so on.

A series followed the "Fatherless Sons" class that was aimed at women, "Daddyless Daughters." It was the same format and basically similar outcomes for the women. Audience members shared their deep ache to have a man, a father, to love and protect them. Promiscuity among fatherless girls was one of the outcomes that Iyanla discussed in depth. Statistics for the women were not any better than for the men.

So back to my question and the article: Does Marriage Matter to Children? According to the data, yes. In my work as an educator, I encounter teens and teachers alike who share stories of heartbreak in the lives of children. Teens from unmarried homes are 40% more likely to become pregnant, less likely to attend or graduate from college, more likely to repeat grades, and so on. In an article in The Atlantic, data is analyzed which leads the author to state "Adolescent family structure has important implications for family formation among young adults." He says that children from less privileged homes are even more positively impacted by married parents. The likelihood of living in poverty is much greater for children whose mothers are not married. Children who are born to unmarried parents are more likely to live in poverty and to have poor developmental outcomes. (Rebecca Ryan, "Marital Births and Early Child Outcomes: The Moderating Influence of Marriage Propensity." Child Development, May/June 2013)

Clearly, the benefits to children growing up in a home with a mom and dad who are married are great. When young women experience an unplanned pregnancy, the outcomes and consequences of that child being raised by an unmarried mother must be considered. Fully informed decision-making demands no less. The option most often chosen by young women in this situation is parenting, abortion is the second most chosen option, and adoption is a very distant third with less than 1% of women of any age choosing this option. All of the options are hard; they each have very different outcomes and will be a decision that this woman will live with for the rest of her life. So will the child in two of the options. Let me share with you the comments of a 14-year-old young man in regard to the choice made by his biological mother when faced with this difficult decision:

"I love my family, my school, my church and my life. I also love playing paintball with my dad and friends, playing football and hanging out with my friends. All of this might not have happened if a very brave woman, my birth mom, hadn't chosen life and adoption for me. I was adopted when I was a newborn. I was one of the lucky ones whose birth mom chose adoption. She wanted me to have a mom and a dad who were married and ready to be parents. I think she is one of the bravest people I know of and so are you if you are a birth mom! Her sacrifice gave me a great life and a chance to be everything she wanted for me. There are so many parents who want to be moms and dads that there are enough for all of us!

So from all of us kids who were given the blessing of adoption, I want to say a very big 'THANK YOU!' You are a hero to a child!"


Those comments are from my son whose birthmother chose adoption, picked my husband and me to be his parents and gave us the greatest blessing we will know on this earth. Adoption is the option most likely in 2013 to provide a child with married parents, given the statistical data from the U.S. Census Bureau. If marriage is so beneficial and healthy for children, we must look more closely at the option of adoption and the benefits it brings to children, families and our nation. There are an estimated 2,000,000 couples wanting and waiting to adopt.

Joi Wasill is a wife, mom, educator and the founder of a teen pregnancy education program operating in schools since 2002.

The Cry of Every Heart....

Excellent article from Lifeline Children's Services Joi Wasill.


His name is Malcolm.

I met him last Spring at an after school program where I was involved with a pilot teen mentoring project regarding sexual purity and teen pregnancy. This was our third afternoon together and I had just shared a very difficult section of the DCO program with these inner city kids: the impact of fatherlessness on children and our society. Realizing the fact that over 70% of African American  children live in mother-only homes, I knew that the majority of these kids were living the statistics we just covered. It is always hard sharing this information with a group of teens when you know that. In order for them to see the need to make changes in their own lives, however, the truth must be shared.

As I put my projector, laptop and materials away, Malcolm came back into the room. Before they leave the center, they are all fed a meal and he had his plate of spaghetti with him. He sat down. I wasn’t sure why he came in there with me as all of the other kids were eating out in the main room together. It was just me and Malcolm.

He said, “You know that stuff you said about kids not having a father?” I took a deep breath and said “yes”. “You are right. All I have ever wanted my whole life is for my dad to be there. I play football and I’m pretty good. He has never seen me play. He came around a little when I was a kid but I never see him anymore. I just don’t matter to him.” And then he began to cry.

I thought my heart would burst open. I sat down beside this big, strong, football playing child and hugged him real tight and told him how sorry I was that he was hurting. I prayed for him. We talked and then I left for the night. But Malcolm and I had shared a heart bonding experience that night. He would talk to me, help me carry things to my car and volunteer to do things with our project. His words forever etched on my heart: “I just don’t matter to him.”

Desire for a Daddy

As the director of the Decisions, Choices & Options teen education program for the past 11 years, I know all of the stats on fatherlessness, the impact it is having on our society and the horrible consequences it has for children. With over 41% of all children born in our country to unmarried mothers, it is a trend we must speak about, pray about and work to change. Every child across the globe shares the desire of Malcolm and his friends at the Boys & Girls club: they want a daddy. Every person created by our Sovereign God shares the desire to have a daddy, an ABBA, Father. Our first images and possibly lifelong impression of God will be formed by the impact of our earthly fathers. I thank God for my earthly father and how he taught me about God, showed me unconditional love and care and is a wonderful example of sacrificial fatherly love. But there are so many Malcolms out there. Both physically and spiritually their hearts cry out for Daddy.

“Fatherless No More”

As we seek to share the hope of the gospel, the benefits of adoption and the love provided by Christian families to children in foster care, may we seek God daily for his guidance, power, protection and wisdom. Malcolm and millions of orphans worldwide are depending on us to speak for them. We have been rescued from the kingdom of darkness by the marvelous grace of our loving, merciful Father. He longs to use us to help rescue children and families from the darkness of fatherlessness. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could say that our world is “Fatherless No More”?

Oh, and l saw Malcolm a few weeks ago. We started our teen mentoring program again and he just happened to stop by that day. We shared a big hug. I pray that one day he will know his heart’s desire: the love of his Abba, Father.

“For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father”. Romans 8:15

Teen pregnancy educator Hendersonville... Joi Wasill

I was the one who nominated Joi for this honor and  serve on her board. Joi is a friend and fellow laborer in the pro life movement. She knows it is not about her but about the program that is changing hearts and minds of our youth on the important life/death decisions that go along with teen pregnancy. How we both wish  that teens would remain abstinent until marriage....this program (www.decisionschoicesandoptions.org) does not talk about how to put on a condom, we encourage abstinence but give them the reality of the tough choices that a teen faces if pregnancy does occur. This is not just a girl talk, it impacts the boy as well and is covered in the presentation. Joi started this as a one time presentation in her hometown and it has taken on a life of its own. The program has been fine tuned, updated and copy written and has received international attention.  She  formed a non profit and is taking this program nationwide and beyond. Go the website to see a sample of the presentation. Maybe it needs to come to your area.

Write up in Hendersonville Star News.....30 Most Influential People in Sumner County, TN

Joi was one of the 30 profiled .....

After giving a class on teen parenting, adoption and abortion, Joi Wasill was faced with an exhausted, sobbing teen mother.

She told Wasill: “I had no idea my life would be ruined.”

“That was a child who had to make this decision without all the facts in front of her,” Wasill said. “That we’re expecting these 15- and 16-year-old girls to make the hardest decision of their lives without the facts or all the options in front of them is ridiculous.”
A former Hendersonville High School teacher, Wasill began teaching teens about the three options every mother faces: parenting, adoption and abortion.

She started Decisions, Choices and Options in 2002 after hearing many misconceptions about adoption. The program covers things like open adoptions, stages of fetal development and the difficulties teen mothers and children of teen parents face over a lifetime.

Her program has reached 25,000 teens around Middle Tennessee and has been emulated in Mississippi, Alabama, Texas, Kentucky and Ohio.
“Teen pregnancy is almost at epidemic levels,” she said. “It is not getting better out there. It is getting worse.”

Sue Parker, CEO of Life Choices of Memphis, a pregnancy medical center and adoption agency, said Wassil’s talks combat the negative messages kids hear.
“Joi comes at it from the perspective that she not only wants to share with the kids but she wants to hear back from them,” Parker said. “That makes them feel like they’re empowered and they have a voice.”
--Matt Anderson